It has been a roller-coaster-2-weeks.
We have been staying in a hotel since the lightning/smoke damage incident on Christmas morning.
((I must say, I will probably skip vacation this year.))
I miss my home.
I miss my life the way it was before 12/25/12.
But.
We will be going home soon.
And I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.
Here's why.
During the Christmas season, most every year lately, I suffer, like many people, from seasonal depression. I hear it's common among those of us who have been through a divorce or death. It is hard to explain the heaviness that sits on your heart during this time. You feel listless. Alone. Sad.
You feel anxious
and
at the same time, you are disinterested in life, in general.
I was kind of being swallowed by this suffocating, black hole of Life's harsh arrows...the arrows Life flings at you as reminders of your past, your failures, your mistakes, your flaws. I tend to feel guilty about feeling depressed. I muddle through day to day.
And I pray.
Most of you know that I am a pretty spiritual person. I love Jesus.
However, I don't usually talk about my faith with many people outside my circle.
It's hard to express depression to some Christians. They think if you are depressed, then you must have done something wrong to create this great divide in your relationship with Christ, therefore causing the removal of His joy from your life. This is something I struggle with. I pray and press into God, saying,
"What have I done"
or
"What character flaw are You working on?"
and
"I trust You."
I believe God has a way of "jerking you up by the bootstraps," so to speak.
His ways are higher than our ways, different from what we would expect.
This Christmas, God used fire to smoke me out.
He showed me
that He isn't done with me.
He isn't done with my kids.
He has another plan for us.
I could sit and play with the "what-ifs" all day long.
I could sit and stare at that fine line where the fire stopped.
And I have.
But not for very long.
Because it's not useful or helpful.
We have our lives. We have each other.
And we have a new appreciation of that.
There is healing power in feeling all of the emotions
that have rolled over us.
They bring to us an awareness of Life.
...Life that cannot be lived...
...with your face stuck in a computer screen.
...Life that cannot be lived...
...with your phone glued to your hand.
...Life that cannot be lived...
...with an Xbox controller.
...Life that can only be lived...
...face to face...
Our pastor challenged us to a 21-day fast. The premise being that this is the first of the year, and God wants our first, our best, dedicating our year, our time, to the Lord.
When you fast, you substitute the time you would normally spend eating...
...with prayer, because according to the Word,
..."man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God"...
(Matthew 4:4)
God wants to spend time with us...
...building our faith...
...building our trust...
...building our relationship...
...with Him...
...with each other...
Here is where I try to tie it all together.
I am choosing to fast...
...not from food...
...but...
...from technology...
I believe my life has become
weighted down
...shackled, even...
by the time I spend
with my face
in a computer
or other smart device...
This fire experience
has retaught me
something
I already knew...
...that life...
can be taken from you in an instant.
That time
...goes by too fast...
And also.
I want to leave a legacy for my children.
I want to know them.
I want them to know me.
I--
...not Facebook
not Xbox...
--want to instill values in them--
...I want to spend time with them...
-not just in the same room-
but
interacting.
Doing Life.
Together.
So from January 7-28
My Facebook presence
will be limited
I can't escape email or text
but my idea is to check work email
at work only.
...to check my personal email once each day...
...to make phone calls instead of texting...
(I will continue posting my picture-a-day
since this is a type of
journal for me)
My intentions
are to spend my time
...wisely...
with my children
with my family
with my friends
.in.their.faces.
Doing Life.
Celebrating Life.
...and worshiping...
my Savior
who has given me
...Life...
I love this Janelle!! I'm so happy to hear (errrr, read) your words. Well expressed and with so much thought I see where your conversations with Christ have taken you. I love you sweet friend!!
ReplyDeleteI think it is hard for Christians to accept many of their own and other people's shortcomings (physical/mental/sins) because for some reason society thinks that we are supposed to have it all together. People forget that we come to church and come to Christ NOT because we have it all together, but because we NEED him to help us get through life. (I always like to think-people go to a doctor when they are sick, not healthy.) Thank you for talking about your depression. I think many more people can relate than not. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
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