Nine years ago
I'm sitting on my bed
reading my Bible
...I was in Psalms...
for February 9
...reading:
Psalm 9, 39, 69, 99, 129
when
my cell phone rang
it was my mom
(it's not unusual for my mom to call me
at 6:30 in the morning, although she's gotten better
over the years...)
She was broken
...crying...
It's hard for me to
recount
what we said
but
it's all there
in my memory
I can't type it out
even now
without
breaking down
He was gone.
So very unexpectedly.
My daddy.
My hero.
My Encourager.
Anyone who's lost someone
...dear to them...
will tell you
that
it doesn't get easier
You adjust
you make room for the grief
you cope
you deal
There are times
that
I just need to talk to him
and it can't be anyone else
and those moments
hurt
I remember
in the days
and weeks
after it happened
I
just
wanted
the
world
to
stop
I mean.
Wasn't the world
...aware?
My dad wasn't here anymore
I needed a chance
to
catch up
grieve
mourn
cry
lay still
smell his after shave
stare at his pictures
go through old photos
reminisce with my brother
and my mom
I don't know if
I ever have
caught up
from where
this unkind world
dumped me off
on this day
...9 years ago...
and
I don't know if
I ever will
I miss you, Dad.
You would be so proud
of
Lauren and Michael
They are so
beautiful
and
kind
it's like your
...very soul...
is
...a part of them...
I can see you
in their eyes
In all those moments
you spent
building
Star Wars Legos
and
Playing Barbies
you transferred
...something of yourself...
to my kiddos
Your legacy lives on
through them
and
though we miss you
it's that strength
you transferred to us
that helps us
carry on
until
one day
we get to
hug your neck
again.
I didn't slow down for you and I am so sorry. I remember that morning so clearly. And, while I don't want to know that pain, without knowing it I didn't handle it well. Love you.
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